I wish I had taken my own advice from my most recent Upmarket Column, posted for Seth Godin’s newest online magazine.  Because that would have framed my weekend in a very different light.

So if you want to know how you can lead teams (or kids) in the midst of change, check it out!  And to tease you, here’s a blurb:

There was a time when people knew what was expected of them.  Their father had been a carpenter. Their grandfather had been a carpenter.  And they were going to be a carpenter.  They probably lived in the same village, if not the same house, for generations.  This is the way life was done.  It was predictable.  And expectations were set over generations.  People knew how to behave and how to fit into the group.

Today, this isn’t the case.  Factories close.  Employees quit.  Organizations relocate.  Change is the nature of the game.

Which means that virtually every day someone new is coming into your organization, your team, or your sphere of influence.  The problem with newcomers isn’t’ a lack of skill, but rather a lack of knowing the rules.  In almost every social context there are different rules.  Sometimes these differences are subtle (like who gets to eat first at the dinner table), other times they are obvious (like a suit and tie culture vs. jeans and a t-shirt.)

So how do you keep leading when everything keeps changing?  (Read More…)

We often think of empathy as “feeling your pain.”  (Thanks Bill Clinton!)  But it’s actually more than that.  True empathy is the ability to recognize and relate to other people’s emotional states.  Both the good and bad emotional states.

So how does this relate to our work?

Well, all of us experience aches and pains in our daily lives.  Maybe we have a chronic illness.  Maybe we’re just sick.  Or maybe we didn’t sleep well the night before and we’re in pain from an uncomfortable mattress.  (Or because you have a 5 week old baby who refuses to sleep.)

When we experience these aches and pains, we have a need to emotionally unload those feelings.  This usually results in gossip, complaining, or just general lollygagging (which is a scientific measurement recognized in the Ukraine.)  In terms of productivity, though, our aches and pains create an obstacle in our path that derails our productivity.

Having an empathetic boss removes that obstacle by reducing the chance we’ll complain about those ailments.   Instead of trying to find a way to unload our frustrations, we have our need met by our empathetic boss, which in turn improves our work.

So the next time you’re feeling the aches and pains of life, instead of “venting” at the water cooler or to a random co-worker (or Facebook!), find someone with real empathy, and talk to them.  Not only will you feel better, but you’ll be more productive.

Scott, BA, Colquitt, JA, Paddock, EL, Judge, T  “A Daily Investigation of the Role of Manager Empathy on Employee Well-being.”  Organizational behavior and Human Decision Processes. (2009) 

photo provided by flickr user makelessnoise

Not only that, but believing goals are impossible can lead people to take unethical actions.  Students are more likely to cheat on tests where they think they don’t have a chance, and believe no amount of studying would help.  Business people are more likely to use fraud or investment schemes if they think there’s no way they can compete with another business.   Even in sports we hear this.  Athletes accused of using performance enhancing drugs often cite, the fact they felt “pressured to win” as the reason for their drug use.  So again, impossible goals are a bad idea.

But goals that are too easy are just as bad.  Why?  Because easy goals encourage us to slack off.  If you can do 40 pushups, are you going to find a goal of 30 pushups motivating?  You might enjoy 10 less pushups, but that’s not really moving you towards improving your performance.  When goals aren’t challenging we work to the point of slacking off.

Of course this balance between difficult and attainable can be challenging in and of itself.  If you put something too far out there it won’t be motivating.  We see this all the time in exercise.  If you run a 15 minute mile (a common time for non-runners), setting a six minute mile is not going to help, because a 6-minute mile is going to seem worlds away.  Sure it’s specific.  And yes it’s measurable.  Both traits of a good SMART goal.  But it’s not attainable.  Not without an awful lot of work.  And odds are, with such a difficult goal to reach, you may not stick with it long enough to actually make it.

When creating goals, whether for volunteers or yourself, make sure to create goals that are difficult, but still attainable.  Too far in either direction won’t get you where you want to go.

image provided by flickr user gnuckx

This has obvious negative problems depending on how you anchor your decisions.  If you long ago made the decision to “stay” at a job – you’re likely going to stay.  Or if you once decided you weren’t qualified for promotion, you’re likely not doing anything to let yourself be promoted.

But what if we can turn it around into something positive?

Maybe it’s not so hard to achieve your goals – if you’re willing to make choices now.  For instance, if you want to lose 10 pounds over the next 3 months, part of your success will depend on the choices you make now.  By grounding your future decisions in decisions today, you’re improving your chances of success.

We naturally look for reasons to give up on goals and to decide things are too hard.  But once you start making decisions today, you’ll be well on your way to succeeding in the future.

Your mom was right – some things shouldn’t be put off.

Ariely, D., Loewenstein, G., & Prelec, D.  (2003). Coherent arbitrariness:  Stable demand curves without stable preferences.  Quarterly Journal of Economics, 18(1), 73–105.

photo provided by flickr user pink sherbert photography

Of course life doesn’t work this way.

Research has consistently shown that we’re only as strong as our weakest link.  (How’s that for a cliché that’s true?!)

It seems that there are a couple of problems with weak team members.  The first is that even having two or three talented team members isn’t enough to balance out one terrible team member.  Think about that for a minute – even if you’re a genius, your performance is being held back by a slacker.  (Or if you’re the slacker, then you’re standing in the way of greatness.)

Secondly, team members often don’t want to pick up the slack for the one member who isn’t pulling their weight.  And why would they?  They’re likely to be overwhelmed by the amount of work they have on their own section of the project.  Doing more work isn’t high on their “to do” list.

When building a team, selecting the right people is fundamentally important.  Without selecting people with the right skills and talents, you might as well just agree up front to settle on something mediocre.  Because that’s about all you’ll be able to accomplish.

Additional Reading:

Taggar S., Hackew R.,  and Saha S. (1999)  Leadership Emergence in Autonomous Work Teams: Antecedents and Outcomes.  Personnel Psychology (52), p. 899-926

Good to Great, by Jim Collins

Image provided by flickr user dcjohn

It’s moved past the point of overwhelming to the point of exhaustion.  And I’m guessing if you’re reading about a site identifying (and taking) your meaning to work, then you have felt the stress and exhaustion that comes with competing priorities.

Of course I don’t need to know your personal story to figure that out – I can just look at the number of people on anti-depressants and medication for stress related illnesses.

As long-time Meaning to Work readers know, I’m a big fan of goal setting.  Usually we talk about setting SMART goals as a way to accomplish projects.  Or as a way to stay focused.  But now I want to add one more to the list: you can use goals to reduce stress.

In a world with competing demands there is always a “next” project to work on.  There’s always an excuse to avoid down time, because there’s always another important task to do.  Simply having a “to do” list isn’t enough.  Instead, use goals to reduce stress by identifying what’s important o accomplish.  And when it’s done, stop and relax.

My wife and I have instituted a goal system (in part based on SMART goals and in part based on the book Accidental Creative) to reduce the stress a house and busy family provides!   Our system looks like this:

The Big 3: Identify 3 goals we want to accomplish in the month.  For us this looks like Big 3 -
1.  Demo son’s room
2.  Enjoy remaining weeks of wife’s freedom from the school year
3.  Organize Laundry / bathroom / living room / dining room

Weekly specific, measurable goals that work us towards our Big 3.  These goals are much more specific, but they all tie back to one of our Big 3 goals.  The idea is to have 3-6 goals per week that we can accomplish.  And once we check them off the list, that’s it.  We relax and wait for the goals of the next week to come.

Weekly #1
1.  Tear out walls
2.  Clean up mess
3.  Go to Kings Island Amusement Park

Weekly #2
1.  Buy materials for son’s walls
2.  Insulate walls
3.  Eat outside 3 nights in the week
4.  Take daughter for nightly bike rides – Monday – Friday

Weekly #3
1.  Celebrate wife’s work (and thank God she has a job!)
2.  Hang Drywall
3.  Run electric
4.  Pick paint colors
5.  Get daughter geared up for school

Weekly #4
1.  Paint son’s room
2.  Build crib
3.  Go to the swimming pool as a family

If we accomplish the Big 3 in August we’ll be in great shape.  These goals help give us focus, and they help the task-oriented personalities of our family feel a sense of accomplishment.  But most importantly they end the constant feeling of always having “another project” to work on.

Of course these can be applied to work just as easily.

These are my family’s goals for August.  What about your goals for work or life?  Do you have a Big 3 you can follow?

image provided by flickr user orangeacid

Ah the powers of the human brain.

People tend to be very good at sorting information quickly (which is why we recognize what a “car” is long before it runs us over), but we don’t always sort it accurately (so we call a “truck” a “car”). Perhaps this is explained by evolution, or maybe it’s all about cognitive efficiency.  But whatever the reason, it’s generally better to get the big picture right than the little details.  You can live with the embarrassment of calling a truck a “car” while the guy who debated what type of truck has to wash out the tire tracks off his shirt.

In general, when we have no reason to doubt our views we operate based on our implicit impressions or stereotypes of how things should work.

Vanilla = white.

Banana = yellow.

It works 99% of the time.  It’s close enough. But there is still that room for error.  So the next time you’re cruising on autopilot stop and think for a moment.  Try to figure out if your autopilot is correct.  Or if you’re off course. Don’t make so many assumptions in your next meeting.  Take the time to actually listen to what others are saying instead of trying to jump on the end of their sentences with your own brilliant insights.

Or just switch to chocolate pudding.

photo provided by flickr user jessicafm

S

And while there’s certainly a place for that type of thinking and action, conflict is not one of them!

Conflict generally causes two casualties.  First, we run the risk of ruining our project, our business, or our goals.  In other words, the things we’re trying to accomplish, our tasks, are at risk.  The second casualty is more obvious, and that’s relationships.  How much conflict you have, and how you resolve that conflict go a long way in determining how relationships survive (or die.)  Ask anyone who is married, and they’ll tell you just that.

In general there are 4 strategies to dealing with conflict. Each of these strategies impacts this task / relationship dynamic.

1. Equity Focus happens when everyone gets a say in the conflict.  Their ideas are listened to (and more importantly) valued.  However, not everyone gets a final say in the decision.  The ultimate decision rests with usually one, but sometimes, several key decision makers.  Despite what you may think, this is the most useful for improving both Task and Relationship outcomes.
2. Group Democracy appeals to us, because as a culture we’re told that everyone’s opinion is equal, and everyone should get a say.  Using this one-to-one vote system to determine the outcome of conflict is useful for improving Task outcome but not relationship outcomes.
3. Equality (not to be confused with Equity) is all about maximizing the benefits to the individuals, at the expense of the task.  It’s about making sure everyone’s feelings are handled and cared for.  Even if it comes at the expense of the project.  As you can imagine, this works well for maintaining relationships, but not so much for your tasks.
4. Ad Hoc is all about doing things randomly.  For every conflict a new way of “handling” it is tried.  Different people get the final say.  There is no consistency.  And not surprisingly, Ad Hoc reduces both task AND relationship performance

The next time you find yourself confronting a challenge, whether it’s on a project, getting the budget you need for your work, or even fighting with your spouse over what to eat for dinner, just remember these four strategies.  And whatever you do, don’t make a decision randomly!

Behfar, K. J., Peterson, R. S., Mannix, E. A., and Trochim, W. M. K. (2008.)  The Critical Role of Conflict Resolution in Teams: A Close Look at the Links Between Conflict Type, Conflict Management Strategies, and Team Outcomes.  Journal of Applied Psychology.  93, p. 170-188.

image provided by flickr user Robert Whitehead

Yet the idea that we can easily decode someone’s body language is a myth that permeates our society.  Show’s like Lie to Me are built around the concept that if you watch someone closely enough, you can tell exactly what they are thinking.  If you go to a sales seminar, you’ll be given extensive training in how to “read body language.”

For years I bought into all of this.  Then I started to notice something.  The more I would speak in public, the more I found that the people who seemed least interested in my talk were almost always the ones who would come up to me afterwards.  In one case one guy made me so uncomfortable with his body language I actually lost my train of thought.  He was a big surly looking guy, who frowned, had his arms crossed and was impatiently tapping his foot.  And here I was talking about why we should forgive people.  I kept thinking “this is not working.”

Yet after the talk was over, he actually chased me down the hall to ask me a few questions.  It turns out he wasn’t disinterested – he was so focused on what I was saying that his own struggles were on display.

This has happened time and again.

Fortunately research has backed up my suspicions.  It turns out that we have a really hard time “reading” body language unless someone is trying to send us a direct, specific, message.

What this means is that if you’re trying to communicate with someone – you should make sure to match your body language to your message.  Try to consciously not send mixed signals.

If you’re listening – to an audience, a sales call, or your boss, then don’t get too hung up on body language.  Recognize that there’s a good chance you’re interpreting it incorrectly.

You can always probe to find out if your understanding things correctly.  If someone looks upset by your sales presentation (or bored by your talk) try to interact with your audience.  Stop and ask clarifying questions.  Try to really see if they’re upset (or bored), and adjust from there.

It’s a much better solution than just assuming you know what they’re “saying” through their body language!

Elfenbein, H. A., and Eisenkraft, N. (2010). The Relationship Between Displaying and Perceiving Nonverbal Cues of Affect: A Meta-Analysis to Solve an Old Mystery.  The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.  98 (2). P. 301-318.

photo provided by flickr user Lauren Manning

In an interesting study, Barden and Petty (2008) discovered that simply believing you are thoughtful leads to more certainty and longer-lasting opinions.  That’s right, why think deeply on an issue when you can just believe you did.

It turns out that we’re more likely to remember information if it falls into one of three categories:

1. It has personal relevance – we remember our phone numbers or anniversaries, because they hold special meanings for us.
2. We need to tell someone that information later – There’s nothing like needing to get in front of a group of people to motivate you to learn a few pieces of information!
3. We think about it a lot – obviously the longer we think about a topic, the more we’ll remember.  Spending 10 seconds on learning chemistry will not be as effective as spending 10 hours learning chemistry.

Barden & Petty focused on this last category.  In an experiment they invited participants to read arguments for the pros and cons of having a campus-wide WiFi network.  After participants were done reading the arguments, they were asked to write down all the thoughts they had about the topic (within a 2 minute time limit.)  The participants then counted the number of thoughts they had.

And this is where the fun begins.

The researchers told them they either had more or less thoughts than other people who had participated in the procedure.  Can you guess what happened?

Simply being told that you had more thoughts made your opinions stronger and longer-lasting.  Even if you hadn’t listed more thoughts.

It turns out simply believing you were more thoughtful, encouraged people to feel more certain about their opinions.

Let’s face it.  The same thing happens in our work.  We assume because we’ve been running the numbers for the last week we’re right.  Or that because we’re on the “committee” we have a more thoughtful insight into problems.  But that doesn’t have to be the case.

So the next time you’re feeling certain, it might be worth asking yourself, “how much did I really think about this problem?”  You might be surprised at the answer.

Barden, J. and Petty, R. E., (2008).  The Mere Perception of Elaboration Creates Attitude Certainty: Exploring the Thoughtfulness Heuristic.  The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. Vol 95 (3) p. 489-509.

photo provided by flickr user C.P.Storm